The Break-Up Diet

Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands

After a relationship break-up, you lose a lot of wonderful benefits: someone to squish spiders, open tight jar lids, reach things off the top shelf, and most importantly—inspire you to sing gospel Oh-Oh-Oh-God! songs that bring an ah-ah-awesome smile to your face.

There is only so long a girl can go before she decides to take matters into her own hands.

Years ago, a coworker and I went on a single-girl field trip to a huge sex toy shop in Los Angeles. It was like one big Walmart, but with dildos, blow-up sheep, and ball gags. They actually had shopping baskets people pushed through the aisles, loading up their carts like they were buying BBQ supplies for a party.

We giggled like schoolgirls and hid behind our sunglasses, standing in front of a wall of vibrators—something neither of us had ever used, knew nothing about, and weren’t even sure they would “work” for us (separately, not a girl-girl thing together). So, being young, financially-challenged, and skeptical, we chose two of the $3, hard-plastic, Ford Pinto of vibrators—the same kind you find in those random-junk white trash catalogues with the ad model using it on her neck. Well…let’s just say, it worked for me. Brrrrrrr. Woo-hoo! Nap. Brrrrrr. Woo-hoo! Nap. Brrrrrr. Woo-hoo! Nap. I didn’t get out of bed for 24 hours.

Flash forward many years…

I still have a blush-faced, hide-behind-my-sunglasses feeling about buying sex toys in public. I know, I’m kinda 1950s like that. So I can’t tell you how much I love the internet. I can giggle and shop from home at sites like Adam & Eve that have everything you can imagine and things I couldn’t imagine. The new technology in sex toys is amazing. And who doesn’t enjoy browsing the porn movie section just to read the titles? I shot cranberry juice through my nose when I saw “Strap-On: A Love Story.” Yes, I’m still sophomoric enough to find things like that funny.

If you’ve read my book, The Break-Up Diet: A Memoir, you’ll remember my friend, Tawny, in the chapter titled Sex Toys R Us where I told the story of her “Lingerie Party” (translation: Wacky Dildo Party)—well, Tawny’s been a horizontal wild woman for years. And since I’m certainly no sex-toy expert, I asked her for some recommendations for my dear readers. Because I’m all about bringing you quality entertainment, and ok, I admit, because I wanted to know too.

Here are Tawny’s Top Toys:

The Jenna Jameson Ultimate Stroker
“Unfortunately, no man can compare. It does everything. It’s crazy good.” — Tawny

WeVibe3
“Fucking amazing. Worth every cent.” — Tawny

Now you can’t say I’ve never given you good advice. Go shopping. And then use the toys to make yourself happy. You don’t need a guy for that.