Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands

July 19, 2012 at 7:00 pm | Posted in Sex | 1 Comment
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After a relationship break-up, you lose a lot of wonderful benefits: someone to squish spiders, open tight jar lids, reach things off the top shelf, and most importantly—inspire you to sing gospel Oh-Oh-Oh-God! songs that bring an ah-ah-awesome smile to your face.

There is only so long a girl can go before she decides to take matters into her own hands.

Years ago, a coworker and I went on a single-girl field trip to a huge sex toy shop in Los Angeles. It was like one big Walmart, but with dildos, blow-up sheep, and ball gags. They actually had shopping baskets people pushed through the aisles, loading up their carts like they were buying BBQ supplies for a party.

We giggled like schoolgirls and hid behind our sunglasses, standing in front of a wall of vibrators—something neither of us had ever used, knew nothing about, and weren’t even sure they would “work” for us (separately, not a girl-girl thing together). So, being young, financially-challenged, and skeptical, we chose two of the $3, hard-plastic, Ford Pinto of vibrators—the same kind you find in those random-junk white trash catalogues with the ad model using it on her neck. Well…let’s just say, it worked for me. Brrrrrrr. Woo-hoo! Nap. Brrrrrr. Woo-hoo! Nap. Brrrrrr. Woo-hoo! Nap. I didn’t get out of bed for 24 hours.

Flash forward many years…

I still have a blush-faced, hide-behind-my-sunglasses feeling about buying sex toys in public. I know, I’m kinda 1950s like that. So I can’t tell you how much I love the internet. I can giggle and shop from home at sites like Adam & Eve that have everything you can imagine and things I couldn’t imagine. The new technology in sex toys is amazing. And who doesn’t enjoy browsing the porn movie section just to read the titles? I shot cranberry juice through my nose when I saw “Strap-On: A Love Story.” Yes, I’m still sophomoric enough to find things like that funny.

If you’ve read my book, The Break-Up Diet: A Memoir, you’ll remember my friend, Tawny, in the chapter titled Sex Toys R Us where I told the story of her “Lingerie Party” (translation: Wacky Dildo Party)—well, Tawny’s been a horizontal wild woman for years. And since I’m certainly no sex-toy expert, I asked her for some recommendations for my dear readers. Because I’m all about bringing you quality entertainment, and ok, I admit, because I wanted to know too.

Here are Tawny’s Top Toys:

The Jenna Jameson Ultimate Stroker
“Unfortunately, no man can compare. It does everything. It’s crazy good.” — Tawny

WeVibe3
“Fucking amazing. Worth every cent.” — Tawny

Now you can’t say I’ve never given you good advice. Go shopping. And then use the toys to make yourself happy. You don’t need a guy for that.

After the Break-Up: What Do You Do with The Stuff?

April 18, 2010 at 5:59 pm | Posted in Break-Up Advice | 3 Comments
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Whether you were in the relationship for 10 years or 10 days, you still must decide what to do with the gifts and mementos from your time together. By removing relationship mementos from your living space and places where you see them daily, it will allow you to get over the break-up sooner and move on with your life.

Gather It
Grab a box and start your sweep. Go from room to room. Collect pictures, jewelry, clothing, and souvenirs from trips—anything that reminds you of your ex. Don’t forget to gather items you may have at work, and in your car or garage.

Sort It
Divide the practical from the sentimental items. A practical item, like a happy anniversary toaster, is still useful. Decide if it’s something you can have around and use for what it is and not have it trigger an emotional response. If you have strong emotional feelings about an object, you’re better off getting rid of it.

You have several options to consider:

Store It
If you’re the kind of person who has a memory box of items from high school, you may want to box up the special objects from your relationship and store them for a time when you can take a trip down memory lane and not burst into tears or fits of rage.

Donate It
If you can’t stand the thought of having anything around that reminds you of your past relationship, consider donating items to a shelter, service organization, or church. Someone else will be happy to have them.

Sell It
Have a yard sale. Take it to a pawn shop. Offer it on Ebay or Craigslist. Take it to a consignment store. With the money you make from selling your old relationship mementos, go somewhere or buy something that makes you happy.

Trash It
You may have the overwhelming urge to smash, burn, shred, or break every object that reminds you of your ex. And that’s ok. If you think taking the path of total destruction will make you feel better. Do it.

No matter which option you choose, getting rid of your past relationship mementos will bring you one step closer to starting your new life.

The Break-Up Made Me Do It

October 4, 2008 at 8:12 pm | Posted in Excuses, Excuses | 6 Comments
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Now, I’ll be the first one to admit that a relationship break-up can make you do crazy things. Like…considering renting a house down the street from where your ex works so you can coincidentally run into him at a stoplight or happen to jog by his new apartment (even though you’ve never jogged a day in your life). Like…sitting up at 3 a.m. Googling him to find where he moved next. (Smart move. I can’t jog all the way to South Carolina from Cali.) And then there’s…um…I dunno, maybe writing a book about your break-up.

There are many levels of break-up crazy. But I must say, I have to give gold star props for the most random act of break-up madness to the woman who shoplifted and blamed it on her relationship break-up. Of course, the irony that her name is also Annette did not escape me.

I get that the end of a relationship can cause financial trouble for some women. Hard economic times. Wall Street crash and burn. Blah blah blah. Maybe she’s hungry and can’t afford to restock her Pop-Tarts and Hot Pockets without using the five-finger discount. But seriously, who steals flip flops and blames it on a relationship break-up? I can just see her standing in front of the judge: “I’m sorry, your honor, I’m so heartbroken that I thought stealing some cute summer sandals would make me feel better.”

Ya know, she may be on to something… I saw a cute bag, necklace, and bracelet at Brighton that really need to come home with me. So, if the excuse that “the break-up made me do it” doesn’t work for me, I guess I could say I ate too many Twinkies…

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Back in the Cyber Sex Swing of Things

July 30, 2008 at 9:30 am | Posted in The Break-Up Diet: A Memoir | 3 Comments
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Ok, so spank me with a wet USB cable. I’ve been AWOL for far too long.

My one loyal reader (a fellow writer) sent me an email in May and among the many things she said included this call to action: “I really enjoy your blog. You should update it more.”

So, here I am. Trying to be a good girl. Trying to do the right thing. Trying to be the blogger I have the potential to be.

It just takes discipline (of which I have very little, but desperately need to develop). Why else would it already be the end of July and I’m just getting around to putting up a new post?

Ya see, it’s like this, I’ve tried for years to keep a journal. And I guess I’m doing pretty well because I actually still have it. My journal is a rather interesting read if I do say so myself. All 6 pages of it. It starts in the ’90s with me bitching about some guy whose name I somehow forgot to mention. And then, ten years or so pass and I have the next entry in which I’m crowing about some new love who is surely “the one”—but for my lack of foresight, it doesn’t happen to be the man I’m married to right now. Yeah, well, Dionne Warwick wasn’t one of my psychic friends, so you never know how those amateur predictions will turn out.

But, now, I have a plan. And if I tell you about it, then I’m committed to following through, right? So, here’s the deal: just to keep it interesting, I’m going to endeavor to post daily (except weekends) on a variety of topics that will follow theme days. Yeah, I know, of course I have to make this as difficult as possible for myself—if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be me.

So, here’s the line up:
Mondays: Book Commentary/News Day where I blab about what’s going on with the business plan and marketing side of this insane publishing adventure on which I’ve embarked.
Tuesdays:
Break-Up Survival Tips Day. Useful nuggets of information like how to make an ex-boyfriend voodoo doll and what brand of bologna leaves the best oil rings in the paint when you put it all over his car. (Extra psycho points if you spell “die asshole” using baloney letters.)
Wednesdays: Relationship Ponderings. <—an academic way of saying I’m going to talk about all the lame crap that goes on in relationships between men and women. (Think Carrie Bradshaw in Payless Shoes.)
Thursdays:
Guest bloggers/Interviews, or I’ll just rip off random shit from someone else’s blog and post it on mine.
Fridays: My take on celebrity break-ups. Look out Perez Hilton and TMZ, I’m going to be the Dr. Phil of celebrity break-ups (minus the toilet seat cover hair ring around the head thing). Or if I get bored with celebrities (which is often the case), I’ll pull something from the news headlines. I can’t be the only one out there who can give Glenn Close a run for her bunny-boiling money.
Saturdays and Sundays: I’ll most likely be in a coma from the brain aneurysm I’ll have if I actually make it through an entire week where I blog consistently.

And can I just say that you have no idea how hard it was for me to post this in the middle of the week. My OCDself is tweakin’ because I feel like I should be posting this on a Monday. But, I actually got out of bed to do it at 2am because I knew if I went to sleep without posting my new and improved idea, I would get sidetracked in the morning and just put it off again.

What’s that shiny thing over there?

Oh yeah, and go buy my book, The Break-Up Diet: A Memoir. Give a copy to your mother. Your neighbor—the one who gave you a fruitcake brick for Christmas last year. Give one to your co-worker—the slutty one who’s sleeping with the boss and the FedEx guy—she’ll be able to identify with my story. Persuade your entire book group to read it and if you’re within 100 miles of The OC, I’ll visit for a Q&A. If you are out in BFE, I’ll do a telechat.

And if you don’t do any of the above, at least come back to the blog now and then, so I’m not just sitting here type/talking to myself.

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