The Break-Up Diet

Guys: How NOT to Get a Date / Ladies: How To Avoid the Freaks

Guys, I just have to tell you, the fastest way to shoot down your chances of getting a date is to leave a socially retarded voicemail message on a woman’s answering machine. You may think getting the phone number means you’ve scored the date. But not so fast. Believe it or not, that first phone call is crucial. It’s the single step that separates you from a face-to-face encounter. So, whether we answer the phone or you get the machine, just know, we will evaluate absolutely EVERYTHING you say to find hidden clues that reveal the basics about you. Like… Is he confident? Does he have realistic expectations? Is he in touch with who he is and what he has to offer? Is he persistent? Does he speak and behave thoughtfully? And um…I dunno…is he mentally stable?

Ladies, if you haven’t figured it out yet, let me enlighten you. All you really need to have to get any man is a pulse and moderate personal hygiene habits. So, it stands to reason, that YOU are the one with the decision-making power. YOU decide if Mr. Pointy Pants will have the opportunity to continue his pursuit of you.

The Process of Natural Selection has been around since mammals began walking the Earth—before most nightclub hounds were bipedal. As women, it is our job to keep the substandard specimens out of the gene pool. Guys, that means your little swimmers could potentially die lonely deaths in a tube sock if you don’t evolve into someone worth dating.

I believe in learning and teaching by example, so I’ve included an audio clip to serve as a tutorial for both the guys and the ladies. Guys, take notes, this is a classic example of how NOT to get a date. Ladies, listen to it closely and if you ever hear a guy say anything like what you are about to hear, DO NOT go out with him! But, feel free to laugh at him and share the message on the internet so everyone else can laugh too.

(Turn up the sound on your computer and click on the tab below to listen.)