5 Hours in Purgatory

November 28, 2007 at 1:29 am | Posted in The Break-Up Diet: A Memoir | Leave a comment
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It feels like being suspended somewhere between heaven and hell when you see your ex for the first time after The Break-Up.

Think Twilight Zone meets Love Connection. Scary and pathetic all rolled into one train wreck of an episode.

It started with Kevin calling to say he was coming over to pick up his “stuff.”

So, what did I do?

A. Take one of his golf clubs and smash his “stuff” into tiny unidentifiable pieces? B. Begin loading jacketed hollow-point rounds into my Beretta? C. Brush my hair for the first time in a week? Put on a dab of understated makeup (including flavored lipgloss and waterproof mascara)? Change clothes five times trying to look good, but not look like I was trying too hard? Or D. All of the above?

In hindsight, I probably should have picked option D. But I was still busy harboring the ridiculous fantasy that once he saw me again, he would change his mind and decide not to leave me. So, I chose option C. (Translation = see definition of “pathetic” to follow.)

Of course, after our mutual spilling of tears, in the true General Hospital style of relationship melodrama, I insisted he tell me why I wasn’t “The One” and then I threw myself at him offering to let him bone-me-like-a-friend-with-benefits. <—Practical application of the word: Pathetic. So, what happened next? Did I end up on the kitchen counter with my ankles pinned behind my head and honey poured across my minuscule bosom, ala something out of 9 1/2 Weeks? Um…nooooo. He had to be the nice guy and decline that Willy Wonka Golden Ticket Bangin’ Opportunity.

But he did offer to pay for his half of the rent for 7 months until the lease expired…

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