Stop Reading Harlequin Romances…They Melt Your Brain

July 7, 2009 at 4:10 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments
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cute neighbor stops by

Like many women, I admit, I’ve read my share (and then some) of the bodice-ripper books with titles like The Windswept Stranger. And I’ve decided that a good portion of my brain has melted because of it.

I’m not the only one who believes this. Nine out of 10 cowboy/neurologists say the area of the brain most affected by reading romance books is the REALITY lobe. It just doesn’t happen in real life like it happens in those stories.

Case in point: Today, I could’ve lived one of those cheesy fantasies, but reality intruded on what could’ve been an otherwise Days of Our Lives-ish romantic incident—or at least something that would’ve made a good Penthouse Forum story.

However, I’ve considered penning it as a horror short story. The encounter went something like this… A tall, dark, and handsome guy A f*cking waaaay hot new neighbor stopped by with a petition to allow jackhammering of his patio slab. He knocked. The door opened to reveal… Me, a smokingly beautiful, lingerie-clad vixen with flowing hair scented like erotic musk a chubby, make-up-less writer, hair in a sloppy bun, wearing a too-short ratty nightgown and Ugg boots.

The romantic part of the horror story never quite took off because the writer used the door as a shield to hide her aching loins and tell-tale signs of arousal translucent legs, granny panties, and perpetually diamond-tipped braless nipples. However, she was completely unable to figure out a way to drape her hand over her face to hide the volcanic zit on the bridge of her nose while still maintaining an engaging conversation that belied the mental images she conjured of wildly riding him like a Kentucky Derby winner while he lay stunned and mortified supine and smiling on her dining room table, tightly gripping her dimpled heart-shaped ass and calling out to the neighborhood in a throbbing release of utter adoration, “Oh YES! You are a Goddess!”

In reality, she snatched the pen, scribbled her signature on the clipboard, and bade him good luck with the petition because the surrounding neighbors are assholes that she wishes would die fiery and painful deaths in the pits of Hell. Then she closed the door.

The End.

11 Comments »

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  1. It feels wrong to use up a whole comment to say “LOL,” but… LOL!

  2. There’s an article in USA Today about romance novels and writers, including Ivy League romance writers and the gals from Smart Bitches. http://www.usatoday.com/life/books/news/2009-07-06-romance-novels_N.htm

    ~~LuAnn

  3. Oh my god this is the funniest thing I’ve read in quite a while!

  4. I left out the part where I mentioned the jackhammering was a bit disturbing because I’m a writer (my lame excuse for looking like a housebound asylum patient). He mentioned he (dapper and dashing lawyer) always wanted to be a writer, so how stalkerish will I look if he actually Googles my name (written somewhat legibly on the clipboard) and realizes I wrote a blog post about him. The next time he comes to the door, I’ll have to wear a Trader Joe’s bag over my head. Which undoubtedly will confirm his suspicion that I am a certifiable nut case masquerading as a writer. Welcome to my neighborhood.

  5. Thanks for a needed laugh!! That was FUNNY!!

  6. I have never been a big fan of Harlequin books. My active imagination does not require it.

    Love the pic though – You and your neighbor look very hawt in it :)

  7. Good lord, you’re funny. Thanks so much for the copy of your book (got one with my WOW prize box). I look forward to reading it.

    Best,
    Ann

  8. Toywithme – I haven’t read Harlequin Romances in decades. I was a teen when I consumed them like book candy. I saved a few of my favorites and still have them in a book bin in the garage. It might be fun to re-read them again. As for the post image, my neighbor looks like that, but I definitely don’t! LOL

    Ann – You’re welcome! I hope you enjoy it! =)

  9. This was a truly funny post, brought a smile to me just when I truly needed it. Thank you.

  10. Glad you liked it, Tami. I had fun translating my experience onto the page. If my life was more interesting. I might post more often. LOL I’ll have to dig through my personal dating archives for the good stuff. ;-)

  11. The ladies and men in those books are purely beautiful – just that they have a darker past, is all. So, we might as well save ourselves the trouble and stop reading those. Hehe.


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