Pin the Eyebrow on the Old Lady

November 19, 2007 at 7:24 pm | Posted in The Break-Up Diet: A Memoir | 8 Comments
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I don’t speak Spanish, but I think the translation for this picture is: These are your various facial expressions after BOTOX: happy, sad, excited, depressed, etc.

It’s funny in any language. And oh so true.

I admit, I tried Botox. I mean, let’s face it, it’s a competitive world out there in the dating scene. A girl’s got to do what she can to stay in the game. Once a woman nears the mid-thirties mark, the guys of the same age are trying to recapture their lost youth by trolling for cheerleaders at the local high school. Taunt flesh has a certain appeal for men who navigate through life with the divining rod of their wiener as a guide.

With that in mind, having a doctor inject a deadly bacterium into my face to paralyze it and smooth out the wrinkles sounded like a really great idea at the time. Heck, I wasn’t getting any younger, so why not get a little help, right?

So, I went to Dr. Something-berg-or-feld in Newport Beach—a nice Jewish dermatologist in the Plastic Capital of Southern California. Of course, I fit in so well in that posh waiting room, dressed in my sweats, flip flops, and ponytail.

I end up in the exam room and Dr. 92658 is mapping out his strategic attack on the linear results of my years of extreeemely animated facial expressions. Out comes the little bottle of Botox and the needle. Did I mention that I’m TERRIFIED of needles? Like hyperventilate, drop kick your nuts across the room, and fight for my life kind of terrified. Well, that day, I faced one of my greatest fears—being single for the rest of my natural life. It can do amazing things when you weigh those two fears together. Hmmm…a few pokes in the face with a sharp, pointy object, or many long, lonely years of wool sweaters, smelly cats, and Harlequin romance novels…

I chose the needle.

Can I just tell you, when you get Botox injected in between your eyebrows, it makes a squeaky sound like sticking a fork into a sauteed onion, and the sound echoes in your head. Major heebie jeebies. When it was all over, I had little red dots around the outside of my eyes, between my eyebrows, and across my forehead. I paid a couple hundred bucks to be a human pincushion and provide condo accommodations on my face for live bacteria. And I’d have to go back and do it all over again in 2-3 months when it wore off. What a bargain.

Ya see, I’m the kind of person who likes a good experiment—see how things turn out…record the progress…report my findings. So, here’s how it went: “Holy crap, my face is stuck!” That about sums it up. My eyebrows were stuck in the upright and locked position like an airline tray table. I looked like someone surprised the hell out of me. I already had a naturally high arch to my eyebrows, but after the Botox—the doctor may as well have stapled my eyebrows to the middle of my forehead. They didn’t move. Well, not really, but my facial muscles were still so strong that they were able to bend my eyebrows in the middle into a very Star Trekkian/Spock-like shape. Which was quite attractive, I assure you. So, after all that, I had two available expressions for 3 entire months: I’m surprised! and I’m a f***ing Vulcan.

FWIW, I recommend passing on the Botox.

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8 Comments »

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  1. LOL – that has got to be THE funniest story I’ve heard in a while. =oP

    I can just picture you going on a date with a vulcan mind-meld expression and your fingers in “Live long and prosper” style. You should have attended a Trekky convention and scored some clingons, lol. ;-)

    Well, you know, I tried it once too, and it actually didn’t do anything for me except give me a bump on my forehead that will now occasionally pop up when I’m stressed. It’s my battle scar galactica. =oD And a HUGE reminder never to do that again!

    So ladies, just say NO to botulism!

    Oh, and super gross on your onion description… and too true. Yikes!

  2. Hey, that is not Spanish! That is Portuguese, jeez!

  3. Thanks for the heads up, Grace! I had no idea. I knew it was one of the romance languages, so I was just guessing since it didn’t look like Italian. =)

  4. Annette!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You might have just saved me from getting SPOCKED!!! Have been on the fence re: botox. Think I’ll just keep my bangs long.
    :)

    Ashley

  5. It’s the weirdest feeling when the Botox kicks in after the first couple days; it almost feels like your forehead muscles are pissed off that they can’t move. LOL You can look in the mirror and will them to move and try to use the muscles, but they don’t budge. It gives a smooth appearance and does make you look younger, but you lose a lot of expression.

  6. I was just considering Botox, too. Last week I decided to wear my sunglasses at the poker table, thinking I was hiding all kinds of tells under those babies. I had forgotten I had them on, so when I finished in the ladies room and was washing my hands I looked up and…imagine my surprise to see sunglasses on my face…inside…after midnight. My eyebrows shot up, then furrowed down in momentary confusion. Unfortunately the eyebrows sat well above the rim of my sunglasses, and that super deep crease between them shows EVERY ONE of my expressions. I hid nothing with those shades.
    Botox may be just the thing I need to boost that chip stack.
    I’m telling my PC, “Poke-her, baby! Right between the eyes.”

  7. Amy,

    My first thought was–WTF is she doing wearing sunglasses while playing poker?! You weren’t hiding your tells, the reflection of your cards in your glasses were telling everything! So, how much did you lose that night? LOL

  8. ‘Like sticking a fork into a sauteed onion’
    OMG – Are you serious?!


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